Once a-polly tito...
The story of Goldilocks by the greatly missed Stanly Unwin
Posted by Paul Whitrow, 29th October, 2008 | Permalink | 16 Comments
I love Stanley Unwin. The first time I heard him (many, many years ago!) I rolled about laughing at his unintelligible nonsensical ramblings, or so they appeared. In actuality they are very clever mash ups from this genius of man.
If anybody can point me to a site or a resource where I can learn to speak Unwinise I would be very grateful.
Now, once a-polly tito. You may think that doesn't sound quite right. But
believe me, once a-polly tito it is, and in this case it was Goldyloppers.
Goldyloppers trittly-how in the early mordy, and she falolloped down the
steps. Oh unfortunade for cracking of the eggers and the sheebs and the
buttery full-falollop and graze the knee-clappers. So she had a
vaselubrious, rub it on and a quick healy huff and that was that. So off she
went, and she went trittly-how down the garbage path, and at the left
right-hand-side goal she passed a [sniff] poo-pom, it was hillows a humus
heapy in the garbage! But never mind. Erm... she lost her wail.
Now this is a sadness, dear childers, because in the slight misty haze which
all forry, let me tell you, in the ephemeral forry there's always a fairy
control where the misty risey huff there, and so she was completely lost it.
Oh folly, folly.
There was a cotty; so she went up, all ready with the basket and picked up
the butter and all that with a little bit of birch she scrape it off and rub
it and down her clothesee. Mum would be cross but... never mind. Clop clop
on the door. This little cotty had a jar on the door, so she went in. Nobody
there. Three baseload of porry on the tabloid, all slightly steamy huff, and
nobody at. She called out: [as though down a cardboard tube] "Anyone home?"
Nobody. Folly, folly, and a little hunger was with her, so she falolloped a
taste out of the first basel.
This was the large baseload and too oversalty for the flabe p't't't
spitty-how. Oh dear! Now the middload was a middle flabe which was not too
oversalt and a sugar flabe on her saliva glam and it wasn't course quite
satisfactual; so she did a tasty most in the little baseload there, and it
was a joy. And oh [gulp] (pardlo!) as she stuffled it down! Oho dear! Now
this was great, but there was also a little tiredness in the Goldyloppers
and she sat on a three-lebber stool and -- tock falolloper! -- all the
lebbers floating across the corm, sat on her bocus there, bruisey most.
Well, still there was no one around, so she went brrrrrr tock up the
stairloaders. And she found a large bedding, not a caypack that eiderdown
but stuffled with feathers, but here and there a stalk, as you know is a big
feathersy eaglode and it stuckening in her back; and it was most
uncomfortipold. So she saw the cotty, and in this cot she did lay down:
[snore, zzzzz] deep sleevers under the eiderdobe.
Well, while she was this thus sleepy and a deep dream of peaks, then up came
the bears into the cotty. Now the fatherbold bear looking around and say:
"Who's been tasting and suffling my porry? Ho ho, dear!" And then the mother
bear look it in her baseload of porry and said: [tube voice again] "Who been
tasting my porry? Oohhhh, a bedder pinger!" So the small bear came and said:
"Who touches my baseload and falolloping all down, mum! Huh-ha-ho dear, look
it and empty and not scratching on the bottom!"
And there was a general consternail uproar and complaint about the
three-lebbed stool bear, all the bits and floaty, and so they had a looking
it around the houseloader.
[Brrrrrr tock] Big bear, [higher pitch: brrrrrr tock] middle bear, [higher
still: brrrrrr ss't't] they all went up the stairloaders, and soon there was
a dent discovery in mum and dad's bedling when the dirty footmark of where
she did her trottly over-and-how and then into the cops't'k. And the little
bear said: "Oh lookadee, mum! There's a lying of some Goldyloppers!"
But at this mode, she jumped up in the middle of her deep dream and sleep
peacey, [snore, whistle] out of the windload, slide it and huffalo-dowder
the drainpikers, and through the forry fast awail! And they all looked such
consternail through the windload, they hadn't time to say: "You naughty
girlage!" Huh-huh-huh-huh!
Stanley Unwin's final TV interview
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