Peter Kay's universal truths

Things you probably hadn't thought about...

Posted by Paul Whitrow, 4th December, 2008 | Permalink | 3 Comments

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Peter Kay's universal truths

Received by email today

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1. I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

6. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

7. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

8. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

9. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

10. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

11. Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

Peter Kay's universal truths:

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
10. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Posted on Thursday 4th December, 2008 at 12:46 pm by Paul Whitrow, and filed under Humour